God said no.
I want to say that I'm glad that He answered and that I know that this must be best, but it doesn't feel that way. I feel abandoned, forgotten. I know William does even more so.
I know that God's ways are not our ways, that He has a purpose in saying no, that this path is what He has for us. All things things are true, but they don't stop the hurt that my heart feels right now.
Maybe another door will open, maybe not. Either way, I'm praying for the strength to walk in faith even when my heart feels broken.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Thursday, July 18, 2013
An Open Letter to the One I Love
Dear William,
It's hard to believe that we've been married almost a year. I've heard that the first year is the hardest and I hope that's the truth because this year has been rough. We've been hit so many times with so many things that, to be honest, sometimes I'm surprised we're still together. Don't get me wrong - I'm GLAD we're still together! It's just been hard - for both of us.
Love is not what I thought it would be. It's a lot more work and a lot less romance. It's a lot of give and take. It's a vulnerability that I don't think either of us was ready for. To quote, dcTalk, "Love is a verb."
I do love you. It's a choice that I make, even when I don't want to love you. I'm not the wife I want to be and I'm certainly not the wife you want me to be. We both came into this with expectations for ourselves and each other, none of which have been completely realistic.
I wish we were in a different place than this, but I have hope that God can change our circumstances, our marriage, our lives. He brings beauty from ashes, raises the dead and parts the Red Sea. He can make something beautiful out of our marriage. God can change us. He can change our marriage. He can make all things new.
May we start over anew as we move beyond the first year of our marriage. May God do a mighty work in us and may His name alone be praised!
It's hard to believe that we've been married almost a year. I've heard that the first year is the hardest and I hope that's the truth because this year has been rough. We've been hit so many times with so many things that, to be honest, sometimes I'm surprised we're still together. Don't get me wrong - I'm GLAD we're still together! It's just been hard - for both of us.
Love is not what I thought it would be. It's a lot more work and a lot less romance. It's a lot of give and take. It's a vulnerability that I don't think either of us was ready for. To quote, dcTalk, "Love is a verb."
I do love you. It's a choice that I make, even when I don't want to love you. I'm not the wife I want to be and I'm certainly not the wife you want me to be. We both came into this with expectations for ourselves and each other, none of which have been completely realistic.
I wish we were in a different place than this, but I have hope that God can change our circumstances, our marriage, our lives. He brings beauty from ashes, raises the dead and parts the Red Sea. He can make something beautiful out of our marriage. God can change us. He can change our marriage. He can make all things new.
May we start over anew as we move beyond the first year of our marriage. May God do a mighty work in us and may His name alone be praised!
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Lucy
"She lived alone and few could know when Lucy ceased to be, but she is in the grave, and oh, the difference to me."
Sometimes I feel like the Lucy in Wordsworth's poem, like no one sees me or knows me, but I'm glad to know that I have a God who always sees the violet, the faint star, the one who lives alone.
Even when I feel alone, I'm not. I have a Savior who will never leave me.
Even when I'm faint of heart, I'm not powerless. I have the Holy Spirit to strengthen me.
Even when I'm frail and easily crushed, I'm not without the God of the universe.
I am frail like the violet and faint like the star, but I am not alone. I am weak, but He is strong. Life is hard, but God is good.
Sometimes I feel like the Lucy in Wordsworth's poem, like no one sees me or knows me, but I'm glad to know that I have a God who always sees the violet, the faint star, the one who lives alone.
Even when I feel alone, I'm not. I have a Savior who will never leave me.
Even when I'm faint of heart, I'm not powerless. I have the Holy Spirit to strengthen me.
Even when I'm frail and easily crushed, I'm not without the God of the universe.
I am frail like the violet and faint like the star, but I am not alone. I am weak, but He is strong. Life is hard, but God is good.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Prayer
I need God to answer in a big way. I need God to strengthen my husband's faith, to give me wisdom to walk through these trials and to be glorified in all the things that seem to be going wrong.
We said in sickness and in health - he's sick.
We said for richer or for poorer - he has no insurance and he's trying to get a full time job, but it doesn't seem to be working out.
We said for better or for worse - all I can say is that the two above combined lead to worse.
I know God doesn't work on my schedule...that I can't expect Him to work like a Santa in the sky, but I also know that He is able to change all of these things or change me through these things.
If anyone out there sees this, please just pray for Lucy and William. Pray that we will see God glorified in these circumstances. God knows who we are even if you don't.
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